Committing to Self-Focus

from The Artist's Way Datebook



It's Secret #5 over at Jamie's project, The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women.

Committing to Self-Focus....hmmm....
Cripes, this chapter hit home for me. Self focus? What is that exactly?

I grew up in a home where my dad put everyone else's needs ahead of his own, and my mother put her own needs ahead of everyone else's.
I grew up feeling that life was not safe and that I must struggle to survive emotionally.

When I was pregnant, I felt healthy, strong, empowered and so at peace with my life and the direction it was headed. I pictured myself with my baby in one of those hippie slings, taking her everywhere with me, not missing out on anything in life, but simply adding her to it. And I pulled it off for the most part. My hatchling was born on a Thursday afternoon, I was out of the hospital Sat. morning and nursing her during my creative writing night class the next week.
I was well aware that having a baby was going to shift my focus dramatically, but forgot to take into consideration that I wasn't "bionic".

Self care and self focus seemed to fly out the window in favour of putting my daughter first.
First I stopped going out with friends. I was so focused on putting my hatchling first, and that meant never leaving her in the care of someone else. (I even brought my baby with me to 3 funerals during her first 2 years of life...inappropriate? I didn't care).
Then I forgot to eat properly and shower - very easy to do when you have a little person hanging off you 24/7.
Then I stopped having friends over as often. By the time my baby was fed, bathed and changed into her little tye-dyed P.J.s, toys & rattles & blankies picked up, I was too tired to do anything except hit our comfy mattress & boxspring with my hatchling. I was devoted to attachment parenting and she slept in her crib maybe once or twice in her life.
Then I stopped wearing make-up. Then I stopped taking care of my hair, which was always my pride & joy, before my true pride & joy arrived.
Then I couldn't care less if I could fit into my tiny faded Levis again, it was track pants and big T-shirts every day. And how single mothers have the energy or interest in dating? I'll never know...my last priority.

My writing and incessant journalling came to an abrupt stop and the extent of my creativity was taking a million pictures of my hatchling (some still in shoeboxes, still waiting to be scrapbooked).

It's so very easy to lose your "self", lose your focus, when you become so hyper-focused on another being, especially when that being is your child.

There is a Buddhist meditation practice called "Metta" or "loving-kindness meditation". It begins with extending loving-kindness towards oneself, (wash your hair & eat something healthy when your baby is sleeping instead of staring at her the whole time to makes sure she is still breathing).
This was a difficult pattern for me to lock myself into after neglecting myself for so long, but I began reading all sorts of books on Buddhism. I was quite used to running on very little sleep, so I got into the habit of lighting a candle in the still dark early mornings and would begin by saying..."May I be well and happy"

Practice makes perfect and the results were that I could love myself even with all my imperfections. I didn't have to run myself into an early grave, trying to be super-mom. There was time, energy and room in my life to take care of myself as well.

I learned self-love in reverse of the "Metta" meditation. Only after experiencing the strong unconditional love of motherhood, did I begin learning how to love myself.
I began to think about going back to work, back to school. I learned that there was honour, not selfishness in meeting some of my own needs. And I learned that my hatchling was safe with trained daycare staff while I was at work. (that was a tough one - I called 10 times a day to check).
I learned that I could take much better care of my hatchling if I were to take care of myself as well.

Buddha says "A mother best serves her child, who serves herself." I know it may sound moot to some of you, but this was a huge growth period to me, distinguishing the difference between taking care of myself so that my example may overflow into my daughter's well-being. Self love is not selfish. I finally got it!
When we are healthy, everyone around us is healthy and stronger. When we are messed, everyone around us suffers.

While I still feel guilty in putting my own needs up there with my daughter's, I'm still learning every day to take better care of myself. I'm learning that bringing my needs out of the abstract and meeting those needs are setting an example of self-love to my daughter.

And this extends to my love of art, writing, and creating, but it took me a long time to get here. For years now, I've been writing out morning pages. Something I got from Julia Cameron's books. It's like a brain dump into my journal early every morning while it's still dark and quiet and I'm drinking my strong, hot coffee.

And I've re-connected with my creativity over the years with my hatchling. She has healed me in more ways than I thought possible...it is my daughter who has led me to refocus on my creativity. From reading stories, to tea parties, to blanket forts, to finger-painting and making our own playdough. We now art journal together, sew together, take pictures and scrapbook together. Including her and guiding her in her own creative interests has strengthened my passion for creativity and has helped me to realize it's a healthy commitment. It always was, I just needed my daughter to show me that.
God - I love that kid!